I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
You Might Also Like
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
huge valentines day plans this year!!
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.