I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
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None of this is appropriate for anybody. Take the 18+ out of your bio.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
me: I need three trampolines
him: what for?
me: no three
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
New Password can’t be old password.
sets computer on fire🔥
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?