I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
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Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]