I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
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Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
*skinny dips into black hole