@sfreeze6

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

You Might Also Like

@squirrel74wkgn

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

@JimGaffigan

GOALS FOR MORNING:
Run
Clean up
Hang w/ kids
Workout
Write
Get organized
Respond to emails
Return calls

SO FAR:
Wrote this
About to nap

@DarthPutinKGB

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

@bigracksonly

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

@drankturpentine

ILLUMINATI: *drinks chicken noodle soup and gets a good night’s rest*
WELLUMINATI: I’m feeling much better

@chuuew

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

@McNevich

Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math

@causticbob

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

@jonnysun

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

@weinerdog4life

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good