Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
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GOALS FOR MORNING:
Hang w/ kids
Respond to emails
About to nap
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
ILLUMINATI: *drinks chicken noodle soup and gets a good night’s rest*
WELLUMINATI: I’m feeling much better
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good