I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
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My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor