I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
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I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
my sentiments exactly
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.