I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
You Might Also Like
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Coffee for people with no kids
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.