I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
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Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Fluff me with a fork baby
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.