I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

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WIFE: What are you doing?


WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.


Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”


Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.


Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.


Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.


I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.


The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.


Being a newspaper boy combines two of my favorite things: legally throwing things at people’s houses & keeping my fellow citizens informed


VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me


eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW