I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
You Might Also Like
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Just a reminder, folks:
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word