I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
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No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Nice try, poison.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea