Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
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Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
dutch so unserious
#Caturday
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
technically true but not a great slogan
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves