I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
You Might Also Like
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?