Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
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Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.