🎶 I get knocked down, but I get up again.. 🎶
[whack-a-mole just goin nuts in the crowd]
“Aw hell yeah!”
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
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Joe: If you love it so much why don’t you marry it?
[Two weeks later]
Jim: Meet my new wife!
*holds up Joe’s wife’s potato salad*
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
*picks up rotary phone*
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Don’t we all.