@LizHackett

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

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@Westoff123

Waking on campus and some girl said, “I like you a lot.” And I turned around and said thank you and realized she talking to the guy with her

@Halbeerz

“So You’ve Been Drinking and Think You Can Dance” now that’s a reality show I would watch.

@garrettbarry70

So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don’t taste any different.

@AbbieEvansXO

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you werenโ€™t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

@JustDontBugMe

I doubt that my secrets are safe in your hands given that the raccoon was able to steal a corndog from you the other day.

@squirrel74wkgn

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

@SteveKoehler22

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

@DurtMcHurtt

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

@gerryhallcomedy

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.