The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
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I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be