I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
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me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
some things should go without saying
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down