@Jenn_H_Scott

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

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@ShesARealGenius

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

@AngryRaccoon2

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

@TheAlexNevil

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

@Ms_Moneypenny_

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

@vandroidhelsing

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

@aaronfredericks

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

@TheBeerGuy73

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

@aveuaskew

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

@MyMomologue

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.