[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
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Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
my feed is like:
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
we are gonna die
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.