You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
You Might Also Like
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
replying to work emails like “So sorry for the late response! If it helps, I also haven’t talked to any of my loved ones recently.”
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.