@Jenn_H_Scott

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

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@BillMc7

Restaurant Hostess: “Sorry about the wait.”
Me: “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for being overweight.”

@mewritesgood

Hey Google, if I’m searching for “herpes symptoms” then no, no I’m not “feeling lucky.”

@AdamBroud

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

@ojedge

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

@KamaroPayne

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

@adamzopf

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

@captainkalvis

Him: how old are you?

Me: *holding up fingers* this many

Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?

@julcasagrande

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

@PaulFrei

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de