I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

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You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*


replying to work emails like “So sorry for the late response! If it helps, I also haven’t talked to any of my loved ones recently.”


There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.


Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.


Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails


HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging


If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.


I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.


How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.