I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
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I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.