My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
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NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
bugs when you lift up a rock
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
“A little help here, Danny?”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
👾👾👾
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]