I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
You Might Also Like
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs