I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
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Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Who did it better?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.