*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
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[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.