@Jandalize

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile.

Then walk into a pole.

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@Mr_Kapowski

Advertised as a “Cougar Cruise”

Reality – Weight loss cruise where live cougars are released & you spend your vacation fleeing large cats

@68Cly29

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

@jimelliott5000

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

@Snarfernini

You’re nice, cute & single?
Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he’d never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

@abbycohenwl

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

@tylerschmall

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

@dmc1138

Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”

All of us: “That’s actually worse.”