I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile.

Then walk into a pole.

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Advertised as a “Cougar Cruise”

Reality – Weight loss cruise where live cougars are released & you spend your vacation fleeing large cats


Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.


Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks


You’re nice, cute & single?
Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he’d never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.


[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Me: Hey! Come back!


Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots


England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.


waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before


Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”

All of us: “That’s actually worse.”