@LizHackett

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

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@tehaveragejoel

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

@DanMentos

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

@IndecisiveJones

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

@boring_as_heck

MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN’, THE DOG IS REAL

@TweetPotato314

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

@marcia_bee

Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.

@eyeswidebutt

if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence

@Adar79Angie

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.