I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
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Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD