Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
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i love meeting boys on tinder
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN’, THE DOG IS REAL
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.
if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.