I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
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There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I’m not afraid to admit that for the longest time I didn’t really understand the whole “Netflix and Chill” thing.
I thought Netflix was for AFTER sex, so you didn’t have to talk to or look at each other.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”
MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction
*Claps along at an opera*
the moon has NO GENDER and IS MY BEST FRIEND and SAID YOU GUYS HAVE TO BE NICE TO ME OR IT’S CANCELING TIDES FOREVER