@LizHackett

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

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@Adar79Angie

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

@drayzze

I’m not afraid to admit that for the longest time I didn’t really understand the whole “Netflix and Chill” thing.

I thought Netflix was for AFTER sex, so you didn’t have to talk to or look at each other.

@drayzze

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Doorbell repairman.”

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

@pleasenodms

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

@NicestHippo

“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”

SUPERMAN: Kryptonite

BATMAN: Bats

MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction

@NINETIREDBUGS

the moon has NO GENDER and IS MY BEST FRIEND and SAID YOU GUYS HAVE TO BE NICE TO ME OR IT’S CANCELING TIDES FOREVER