I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
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“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My what?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?