I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

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Don’t ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.


No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.


[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*


I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.


Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk


Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?


8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure


Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.


I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.


North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.