@girlontapas

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

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@just1fool

Don’t ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.

@4SLars

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

@coral_dew

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

@AGreaterMonster

I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.

@AmericanGent69

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

@timdonakowski

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

@tracietom

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

@coalslag

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

@DivorceDad

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

@ryaninco

North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.