I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
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when u come home smelling like another dog
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”