“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

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It’s bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, “Stay in drugs, don’t do school” in a serious tone.


ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.


When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”


[kid’s party]

Me: Can we leave? These things take forever

Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents


My cab driver just described Seattle as “Not that horrible of a place.” Get that guy a job on the tourism board.


I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.


Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.


*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!