“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

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Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.


welcome to denny’s. don’t eat that brown stuff. that’s tables


*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.


Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy


Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?


She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.


Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.


Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.


The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all