@HatfieldAnne

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

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@roxiqt

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

@WigCannon

welcome to denny’s. don’t eat that brown stuff. that’s tables

@kiel_phillips

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

@envydatropic

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

@MayaIsLoading

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

@2tickytacky

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

@sucittaM

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

@Nrvous1

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

@Book_Krazy

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all