I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
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One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
the simulation is moving too fast
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later