The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
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I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it鈥檚 humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it鈥檚 moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I鈥檓 the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT鈥橲! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you鈥檙e awful!!
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
There鈥檚 a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER鈥橲 WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
A level of petty I can get with 馃ぃ
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Her : I like you
Me : You鈥檙e mistaken
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you鈥檙e welcome
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I鈥檓 driving I鈥檇 just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?