i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Animal poetry
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Growing up was a huge mistake
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”