I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
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Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.