@KimmyMonte

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

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@KMoFlo_official

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

@TheBoydP

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

@PanettaSexyTime

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

@bingowings14

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

@audipenny

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

@Kernsti

When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was “interested in men” I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies

@joekellyjk47

As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.