007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
You Might Also Like
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Has anyone ever pissed you off so much that you just want to strangle them but then you realize you were overreacting so you calm down after 2 or 3 decades
The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet
Hate when I forget to grab a towel before I shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 3 hours
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I’m married to Braveheart.
Listen up, bagel man. We’ve got a good thing going here so let’s not mess it up by you asking if I want the fat free cream cheese instead.