@redlipshun

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

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@PretendMaker

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

@SCbchbum

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

@iheartgunts

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

@emmatheist

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

@OBiiieeee

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

@sugarwits

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

@novicefather

If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it’s a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.

@LoriLuvsShoes

A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair

@SummerCandyEyes

My son asked me if mayonnaise was a mammal.

*cashes in college fund
*installs a pool in backyard