I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
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Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
one last job
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
This pepper has seen some shit
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”