Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.
-The inventor of massage
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Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Wife: My family is coming over.
Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
69 is the kamikaze of sex. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*