I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.

-The inventor of massage

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Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.


Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds


Wife: My family is coming over.
Me: ….?


[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”


If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…


Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.


69 is the kamikaze of sex. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.


i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM


*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”


“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”