promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
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*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Breaking news:
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I am HOWLING at this
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG