SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.
-The inventor of massage
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After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat’s the male. Guess she knows it’s easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
JUDGE: please read the last part of the record to the court
STENOGRAPHER: the witness stated that mercury was in gatorade
ME: can I finish
JUDGE: lmao read it again
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I just met a black vegan… All I kept asking was “so you don’t eat chicken?”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.