@brittwastaken

I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.

-The inventor of massage

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@rimaparikh12

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

@Dirty_Naomi

After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat’s the male. Guess she knows it’s easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.

@Marlebean

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

@SarahThyre

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

@3sunzzz

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

@ShortSleeveSuit

JUDGE: please read the last part of the record to the court

STENOGRAPHER: the witness stated that mercury was in gatorade

ME: can I finish

JUDGE: lmao read it again

@capnwatsisname

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

@fro_vo

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

@FaisalAdam_

I just met a black vegan… All I kept asking was “so you don’t eat chicken?”

@thedad

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.