@brittwastaken

I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.

-The inventor of massage

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@missekay

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

@LosLos__

Wife: My family is coming over.
Me: ….?
Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!

@SortaBad

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

@CheryeDavis

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

@PatsATweetin

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

@ShanaRose21

69 is the kamikaze of sex. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.

@Lubchansky

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

@jonnysun

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

@theaaronone

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”