I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
You Might Also Like
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
The Compass
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.