A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
so weird how every mom was born today
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
My dad is at it again
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4