@robo_junkie

I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail.

You Might Also Like

@2Saddington

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

@rudy_mustang

how would water even break? it’s a liquid. im not sure i want to have a baby with a liar sharon

@justokpanda

Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!

Therapist: Please sit down.

Me:*falling over* Ok

@Ygrene

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

@4owe5i

was your ex gf really psycho or did she just have trust issues because of your lack of communication & ignorance of her genuine concerns

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.

@bobvulfov

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

@cellapaz

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?