Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail.
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Having sex in the 90s was scratchy due to all the flannel.
how would water even break? it’s a liquid. im not sure i want to have a baby with a liar sharon
Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!
Therapist: Please sit down.
Me:*falling over* Ok
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
was your ex gf really psycho or did she just have trust issues because of your lack of communication & ignorance of her genuine concerns
Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?