6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
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me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
be careful
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
mom had nothing to worry about
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.