@nachosarah

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

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@EricMarten

It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.

@trojansauce

[me on my death bed after being trampled at a one direction concert]

please tell people it was auto erotic asphyxiation

@karanbirtinna

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

@senderblock23

[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened

@KevinFarzad

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.

@suecorvette

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

@HousewifeOfHell

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

@chilldadpalguy

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

@Brampersandon_

PAPA JOHNS EMPLOYEE: what can I get you
ME: I’ll take a large *forgetting the word pizza* cheese frisbee

@skylerhanrath

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now