@21stcenturysahm

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

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@WheelTod

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

@JillianKarger

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

@daemonic3

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

@BoogTweets

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

@lincnotfound

toad: bowser has kidnapped the princess

king toadstool: what should we do?

toad: we need to call the plumbers

king toadstool: the plumbers?

toad: *looking at giant piranha plant in toilet* yes

@aissalanis

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

@UnfilteredMama

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

@ObscureGent

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

@MeetYourDaddy

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

@jenspyra

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad