Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
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Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..