Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
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That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
This is why I don’t delete Facebook