I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
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So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.