I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
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Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd