I want to hold you till the end of time, or until I have to pee.

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The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six


I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.


Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look


Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.


My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.


‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed


FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares


Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?


Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter