@AnecdtlBrthCtrl

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

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@LibyaLiberty

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

@FeelingEuphoric

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

@EndhooS

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

@Jandalize

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

@pro_worrier_

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

@tealbluejay

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

@GensPlace

Bumper sticker:
We got rid of the kids, the cat was allergic…

@1evilidiot

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.