photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.