Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
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Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?