I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
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*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
They also CAN sing✌️
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal