Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
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Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Why font matters.