@iQuoteComedy: What's that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.

@IamEveryDayPpl: The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine... Idiots.

@QwertyJones3: [FBI job interview] "Do you have any self defense training?" *flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I'm skilled at fencing.

@wickedimproper: People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

@Reverend_Scott: [dies and goes to Heaven] GOD: Hello, welcome to- ME: WHERE ARE ALL MY DOGS? GOD: Right this way.