Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I want to lose some weight but I love food & hate exercise. I’m really stuck between a rock & a fat place here.
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I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
“Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”
*GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?