In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
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GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”