@CarrieMayhem

I want to lose some weight but I love food & hate exercise. I’m really stuck between a rock & a fat place here.

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@xLiserx

Trench coats are dangerous. How do you know who’s a detective, a flasher, or two muppets? You just don’t know. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW!!

@fro_vo

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

@sonictyrant

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

@glamrockgoth

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

@GeminiJew

If you don’t know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can’t be friends.

@upsidedowntrash

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

@thenatewolf

J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.