@anylaurie16: 7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, "Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft."

@Glynner85: I hate when The Little Mermaid is all "who cares no big deal I want more!" Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax

@Sean_Burgundy_: All I'm saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying "We need to talk"

@Dirty_Naomi: Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?

@ericsshadow: ME: I had salmon for lunch WIFE: the L is silent, idiot ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch