@CarrieMayhem

I want to lose some weight but I love food & hate exercise. I’m really stuck between a rock & a fat place here.

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@quikkim

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

@FrankCurtisB

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

@TheToddWilliams

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

@Marcmywords2

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

@IGotsSmarts

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

@HenpeckedHal

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

@FakeDeanAccount

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

@Reverend_Scott

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

@thatdutchperson

[Court]

“Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

Me: yes.

*GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?