I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
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Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?